


TRANSMISSIONS

by joatlas



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Family Feels, Gen, Grief, Michael Burnham Needs a Hug, One Shot, Separation, Short One Shot, Sybok is not that bad, can be heavy dont expect a lot of fluff, domestic sch'nn t'gai content, links discovery spock and tos spock, more or less a biography of spock i guess, not canon compliant with star trek VI (i just ignore this one), several character deaths but in background, ultimately not too sad i hope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 19:58:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20431601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joatlas/pseuds/joatlas
Summary: A few weeks after landing in the distant future, Michael receives a set of audio files left for her in the past. She soon finds it is her brother Spock that recorded messages for her throughout his life, however she can only listen to one a day.





	TRANSMISSIONS

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
Thank you for reading my first one-shot! Two things I feel like I have to warn about: 1) I'm not a native English speaker. I do my best. I sincerely apologize for any grammar, spelling mistakes or strange wordings. 2) The dates and timelines here, especially considering the Sch'nn T'gai family, is a mix between canon and my own invention. Basically, when canon has a date I used it, when it didn't I invented one that made sense to me.  
If you wish to leave me a comment somewhere else, you can fin me on Twitter @ussuhura  
I wrote this fic thinking of my little sister, half-brother and step-sister that I all love dearly. Not matter how irregular it seems, a family is a family.

DAY 1

Michael had been glancing fearfully, yet frantically, at a certain dot on her PADD. If you could call it that. It was more advanced than any device she ever owned back in the 23rd century. But for the few weeks they had been there, now stationed at a space station while Discovery was being repaired and everyone was trying to deal with what had happened, she had plenty of time to get used to it. A few days ago, she had been informed by some sort of administrative agent (she still didn’t get all the changes) that a file was waiting for her. They didn’t say much else than that it was several centuries old and had been locked under fingerprint ID from her and only her. She couldn’t say she wasn’t scared of what this could mean. It surely came from someone she used to know, who was in the past. Someone who, where she was now, was long dead and long gone. She had carefully avoided looking at files, looking at what had happened to those she knew. She feared what the files could contain. Not that she expected any teary-eyed transmission from her Vulcan foster family, it was hard to imagine even coming from Amanda. She did fear some tragic message from Ash though she had to admit he wasn’t the type either. Michael simply didn’t want to go through the past now, when she was trying to put it behind her.  
It was 2200 hours when she finally sat on her bed and tapped her finger on the glowing dot. All there was is a number of audio files, each one named with a year, ranging from 2258 to 2386. However, she could only open the first one, the others were locked. Taking a long breath, she started the audio file.

2258\. 

“Michael.”

The voice, she knew immediately, was Spock’s. Her lips slightly twitched thinking of her brother. 

“The reasons I have to be recording this voice communication for you are far from logical. I have found my thoughts drawn to you as of late and have some difficulty finding peace of mind even through heavy meditation. I believe if I can find some way to speak to you, even if a response is impossible, it may clear my spirit. As I refuse to turn this into something tedious or... emotional... for either you or me, I have decided I shall wait at least two earth years before recording another one. I also forbid myself from discussing current events or politics, as these facts are already at your disposal if you have access to this. Returning to my usual Starfleet duties after what happened to me and, after, to you and the USS Discovery, has not been an easy task. Though I have no issue with being effective at my job, everything does feel quite... boring, as you may put it. Adjusting to a normal rate of challenging missions has been complicated for Captain Pike as well. He was delighted, well, almost smiling when we received yesterday a quite desperate distress call from a nearby shuttle, a most inadequate reaction. As for our family, you must know Mother didn’t really handle the events so well. She misses you, surely, even if she cannot say it. Father and I haven’t discussed it, in fact, we have not discussed anything at all. I believe your fate only reinforced his belief that my place is not in Starfleet. My own opinion on the matter has gone the opposite way: I feel more sure than ever that Starfleet, and the Entreprise, is where I belong. I am sure you feel the same way now. My thoughts are with you, Sister. May your live long and prosper.”

Michael was now lying down on her bed, her eyes gazing at the ceiling. Slowly, she lifted her hand towards the next audio file, so as to start it. When it didn’t, she looked at the encryption and saw that it was locked until the following day. A long sigh emerging from her lips, she put the device away and closed her eyes, for a moment. 

DAY 2 

As soon as Michael woke up and saw the time, she let out a long breath, her eyes immediately drifting towards the PADD on the table. These numbered audio files would be all she’ll ever get from this world, the final one the last words she’ll ever hear from her brother before he died. As much as they liked to pretend the contrary, she knew deep down Vulcans could be the sappiest sentimentals. Hell, their whole culture was built around hiding that. These communications were proof. Spock never could forget her, leave her alone in the distant future. He had to somehow be there for her. 

She clicked the file after sighing loudly again.

2261.

“Michael.”

The same tone. Familiar, yet, so foreign in the environment she was currently in.

“It is quite odd to say that name. Starfleet forbids us to do so, in fact I would probably receive an angry transmission from HQ if they could hear me right now. You can see the date on this file. I am still serving under Captain Pike, on the Entreprise. I appreciate my position more than ever. In fact, I do not know my reasons for needing to speak to you today. I was on Earth 2.6 weeks ago and something peculiar happened. If you wish to display a grin or think oddly of myself after you hear of this, feel free to do so. I am unable to truly communicate with you, but I know you, Sister. I met a young botanist, a very gifted one at that. She and I discussed for long hours of the wonders of flora while the ship was undergoing repairs. I felt our long outings were intellectual exchanges of the most simple kind and never looked beyond that. I always underestimate humanity’s taste for subtextual meaning, as she apparently felt I was engaging in courtship. Which was not the case, surely you must know it is not a practice of our people and furthermore that tradition has me betrothed to T’Pring, as you also know. Leila, for this was her name, announced very seriously her romantic interest in myself before I was due back on the Entreprise, a declaration which I was forced to not reciprocate. The fact is, even if the circumstances varied, the nature of my attachment towards her could not have differed. I’ve wondered thought if I could ever feel the way she felt, or my nature and Vulcan duty forbids me to be that recklessly infatuated. This is not something I wish for myself, of course, but I’ve wondered.”

Spock, Spock, Michael thought, I wish you will, and I’m sure you will. The idea of Spock being ever in love, happy, or ever any kind of reckless about anything was strange, yet endearing to her. The last time they spoke, she had tried to express that to him. She was surprised to hear that this is what he continued on. The ghost of their last conversation was hovering over the both of them it seemed. 

“I know you told me to not shield myself away from people and let them get to me. And I promise you I will try, in the long run. Even if I make mistakes in the process, Michael. Please do not feel any disappointment in me for how I acted with Leila. Or do feel it, as I am unable to know...”

There was a pause in the communication.

“Live long and prosper. Take care, Sister.” 

Michael shut her eyes for an instant. She wasn’t that sentimental but it felt reassuring to hear her brother’s voice. He seemed well, despite his doubts. It was obvious he was telling things he only would say to her and no one else. It felt good, to know even after years had passed for him, he still felt like he could confide in her. She cared about him more than ever, despite all the resentment that had existed between them for a time. Her fondness for Spock existed along with these feelings, like in a glass of oil and water. Opposites, there, existing, cohabiting, never mixing. Like the Vulcan and the Human in both of them. 

DAY 3

Michael was still looking forward to Spock’s communication of the day, sure, but it was also starting to worry her. There was only so many messages before it was over. She kept looking at the last one and wondering how and when her brother had died. She could’ve checked the database for this info but she didn’t want to know, not yet. It was only a few days. She waited longer this day, until she was relaxed, and alone, to click on the audio file. She was biting her lower lip waiting for Spock’s voice to resonate her name. 

2265.

“Michael. A lot has changed these past few earth weeks. Captain Pike was promoted and left captaincy of the Entreprise. After eleven years, this is quite the change. Of course, I had infered from his recent behaviour that he was to leave, and considering his excellent reports, it is only logical. My primary reason for recording this for you is none other than our new Captain, a human male by the name of James Tiberius Kirk. Our cohabitation as of now has not been of the easiest kind. He appears to me very different from Captain Pike in many regards. He does believe in my scientific abilities, but does not seem to value my input very much when it comes to other fields. As First Officer, it is my duty to be of help for all aspects of the mission. I need to find a way for us to work harmoniously, even if we tend to be polar opposites. From the quick observation that I have made of him, he seems quite like you Michael. Much too impulsive for his own sake but profoundly good. This is quite a short message, but I needed to voice my concerns about Captain James Kirk, in any shape or form, and sometimes I manage to speak freely only to you. I hope you are doing well, Sister. Live long and prosper.”

Michael closed the file with a slight smile on her face. There was never any common challenges for someone like Spock, who possessed strength and mental abilities she could not dare to dream of. Dealing with people, that was his challenge. She hoped he would not give up. After all, they had made a great team too. Hopefully it did not take them as long as it had taken her and Spock. That day, she almost checked the records, but refrained herself last second, mouth open ready to voice command it. The things Spock was telling her weren’t things you’d find in any database anyways. She looked at the next file, fondly. 

DAY 4 

She had not mentioned the audio files to anyone until that day. 

“Is there something wrong?” Sylvia had asked innocently at lunch. “Because if there is, you know you can talk to me about it right ? We’ve all been trying to adjust to things. It’s so much stress! We have so much stress! I hope you’re okay. You are, right?”

Under the waves of words coming from her friend’s mouth, Michael could not help but answer, in a distant, much quieter tone. 

“I am... I have just been receiving these... transmissions from Spock. He recorded them in the past. They gave them to me when we got here. It’s weird.  
\- What? And did he like... die?”

Michael looked at her oddly, eyes widening. Sylvia put her hand on her mouth, cheeks red as fire.

“OhmygodImsosorrythatsnotwhatImeantIwasjustliketryingtoItsnotwhatImeantPleaseokIjustwantedtosaylike...  
\- It’s okay. I don’t know, there’s one every day, I haven’t heard all of it.  
\- That’s so touching.”

Touching... Michael hadn’t thought of that. In many ways it was, maybe, touching.  
She didn’t say more. The same afternoon, she looked eagerly at her PADD when she was finally alone, once again waiting for the familiar ring of her name. 

2268

“Michael.”

She grinned.  
“Last time you heard from me, I was trying to figure out how to reach Captain Kirk, as you advised me to, indirectly. It might please you to know that I have. Our mission is in its third year now and we have grow accustomed to each other, close even, much closer than I have ever been to anyone if I tell you the truth. It is just like you said, Sister. Everything falling into place. James Kirk is one of the most intelligent humans I have encountered, though he does use it quite peculiarly most of the time. He displays erratic and impulsive behaviour, yes, but always in good moral balance. I wish you could have known him, or rather I wish he could have been lucky enough to meet you.” 

That would’ve been something, though Michael. Even knowing so little about the man. She had never heard her brother talk about someone in such a way, even Pike, and so she knew he held him in the highest of regards. 

“If there is any Vulcan emotion close to pure joy, it is how I feel now. Everything for me is well and I still very much enjoy my position. I have finally found a good chess opponent in the Captain. This does not mean things are quiet, as many troubles and hardships have come our way and we have feared many times for our lives and the integrity of the ship. I could not even start to tell you Michael. You have to know that not earlier than last week, I have made peace with Sarek. The context would require long explanations, but I helped him in illness and we decided to put the past behind us. I do not know how long this rekindling of our relations will last. That peace would certainly be instantly jeopardized if he knew of me recording this for you or even saying your name out loud. What he would fail to understand is that my speaking to you is the way I express my concern for you, as Vulcans do not forget. It also something I require at times to achieve full peace of mind. As we do not lie either, I need to be more blunt with you concerning my and James’ situation. 6.8 years ago, on one of these recordings, I formulated my doubts on the fact that I could ever be as ridiculously infatuated as humans can be. It is true I cannot. My infatuation came very much differently, slowly, but with a sense of certainty and fatality that makes it simply inescapable. As if us being together was so logical and sure that there was no other way for me to go. It is rather hard to explain in Human wordings and I wish at this moment you had been allowed to learn Vulcan. You have to know concerning this that my union with T’Pring was annuled. James... Captain Kirk fought to cancel it as I was going through the effects of pon farr, which, you do not ignore, are quite strong. My name was already far from clear on Vulcan, but I have to admit it was not a step in the right direction. I wonder how changed our planet is where you are now, how different.” 

Michael sighed. Him calling it “their planet” warmed something in her heart. She’d always felt like she didn’t belong on Vulcan, or anywhere for that matter. In Spock’s mind, after all these years, it was still her planet, her home. It was a pleasing feeling, just like knowing he was in love, well, as close to that as he could be. He seemed to have opened up and gained more ability to express his emotions. Michael was relieved, happy for him. She had been right. 

“Everything is going well, as you can hear. I do wonder about my mental state at times. I am worried I might stray too far away from the Vulcan teachings. But I will keep still, and the mission is already 64,2% done. Live long and prosper, Michael.”

She would’ve liked to see Spock’s face, but she understood why he chose not to show it. Audio-only files were more discreet, harder to trace and easier to hide. Pictures she could find in the future. But she was afraid to look at the files. What if there was something tragic that she did not want to know just yet?

DAY 5 

Michael now felt kind of like she was watching some sort of idiotic romantic film, as she wanted to know what happened next. There was a slight tingle in her stomach when she saw the number of messages left. At some point, the last one would come. 

2272.

“Michael.”

Well, it could very well have been the last. The tone was gloomy. Any other human might have heard the same word as before, but Michael could sense by only her name that something was wrong with her brother. 

“As I am recording this, I am about to leave for Vulcan. I have decided to pursue kolinah’r. I have been quite lost and need to reset my spirits.”

She shivered hearing this, started to frown, hearing in his voice a distant darkness.

“After the rituals, any odd feeling will be removed, therefore it might be the last transmission you ever receive from me, as I will have no reason to speak to you in this way. Be assured it does not mean I will forget you.”

There was a pause in the transmission. Michael frowned again. It was far fro the last. In some way that was a relief for her, something apparently had gone wrong, in a good way. 

“Do not fear for me as I go through the cleansing power of kolinah’r. I need my balance restored, it is after all my nature. I have many thoughts of you, Sister, and as you can see I have followed your advice for a time. If it endangered my peace of mind, it also gave me the most intense and, dare I say, blissful years of my existence. I simply must go back on the right path. May you live long and prosper, Sister.”

The young officer blinked for a moment, surprised. She didn’t know what to make of it. What had changed? He stated himself he was in the best of places. It was fear of straying too far away from himself, she supposed. He had very high standards for his own life. Too high, frankly. So high he ended up choosing a complicated misery over a modest contentment.  
Michael hoped the rest of the tapes weren’t bland and unemotional accounts of the rest of his life. She wished that he somehow hadn’t gone through with the process. She went to bed this day with a certain amount of doubts and anxious thoughts. 

DAY 6

“Michael. I’m worried. Eat.”

Sylvia pushed a plate of a delicious looking replicated caesar salad towards her. Her friend could see through her too well sometimes. 

“I’m fine.”  
“Is it Spock?”  
“Yes, he.... you wouldn’t get it.”  
“These messages are not good for you. You’ve gotten anxious and... closed.”  
“When I get to the last one it will be over, ok?”  
“If you don’t starve yourself first. Eat.”

Michael, reluctantly at first, ate her salad, trying her best to not zone out too much of the conversation with the crew. She was not really successful, it seemed, as a lot of them gazed strangely at her. 

“Michael.”

The tone this time she could not decipher. It was cold, but not estranged. It didn’t feel familiar, yet still like the Spock she knew. 

“For you, a few weeks have passed since you last saw me. As for me, I am now 55 years, 3 months and 10 days. 13 years have passed since I last recorded a message for you. This was due to me experiencing the effects of the rituals, which prevented me from directly accessing my memories of you and what links us. As I told you, Vulcans do not forget, only store away. It was stored away and it took time and mental strain to come out. I failed kolinah’r, Sister, if such a thing is possible. They saw something was pulling me to the sky, that my mind was full of human thoughts of my work, you, my friends and James, and did not permit me to go through with it. I think failure is a most inadequate term for what happened, as I believe this clean slate allowed me to finally find balance. I have accepted vulnerability as a part of myself, gone back to Starfleet, took time to recover my memories. I apologize for not giving you news sooner. People I knew were hurt at first, seeing me blank and unresponsive, as if a stranger. I can only guess it was particularly hard on James. It was complicated for us to rebuild our relationship, it is still strange and on its way to feel casual again. Life has us apart for the time being, as he is now Admiral and I Captain of the Entreprise. Today was James’ birthday too, a celebration I know humans are most fond of. He was… “grumpy” I guess would be the colloquial term. I have always found interesting how humans celebrate birth dates so much, yet, a lot of the time, complain about these celebrations as they grow old. His physical and verbal responses indicate he liked my present.  
There is something I wish I had said Michael, and I know there is no purpose in revealing it to you and not James. I ignore my emotional reasons for backing out of this exchange. Over the past few years, as I have become almost fully myself again, I’ve regained the assurance that I had in our partnership, the forceful certainty of my attachment towards him. We are two parts of the same whole, truly we are Sister, and I wish you the same. There is no logical reason for us to not fully be committed to each other. I think that, on the next shore leave I get, we should bond. In fact, I have no greater wish. I ignore the details of what that will entail, considering my mixed heritage and Jim’s own Human mind, but I have always been sure that there will never be anyone else. I have only a short training cruise to tend to, but after that, I will inform him of this plan, which I hope he will consider. You are the first to know. I am sure Sarek will not be pleased, but I have long stopped endeavouring to please our Father. You also have to know that I have managed to keep my memories of you locked when I melded with James in the past, but this time it might be harder. There is a high chance he will learn about you. I am sure there is no danger and he will not say anything, he will only be curious, as that is his very nature.  
I am well, Michael. I think of you. I hope the future holds great things for you. Live long and prosper.”

There was nothing but a sweet smile on Michael’s face when the recorded transmission ended. Everything was fine. There was nothing ahead of Spock but fulfillment, calm and happiness. She had felt a vertigo, when he had told him his age. She could read the dates, but it didn’t feel the same to actually hear him say his age out loud. It almost made her nauseous. For her, it was like yesterday that he was standing in front of him, young and hopeful, and now he was 55. Well, actually, he was not, he was dead. Technically, she knew, but emotionally, he would only be dead for her when she will have heard the last transmission, and seen his file and death certificate. In her mind, Spock was currently on his training cruise, daydreaming about his soulmate, well, daydreaming wasn’t really like him, but you get the picture. What she wanted from the last three transmissions that she could see on her screen? Only for him to be peaceful and settled down. Only that.

DAY 7

It was amusing, or worrying perhaps, for the rest of the crew to observe Michael's changing moods depending on what she had heard from her brother. None of them apart from Sylvia knew what was going on, so it must have been strange. Michael was ordinarily a calm and collected woman, except when she didn't agree with something. She had been brought up in certain conditions of course, there was a degree to which she conducted herself as her adoptive family had showed her. And there was certainly a degree to which she didn't, which was what had happened these past days.  
It was overwhelming. She was, after all, hearing from the dead. A dead brother at that. A dead brother she had seen alive only a few weeks prior. Anyone would've been struck by the madness of the situation. "This is why no one messes with time" she had said to Sylvia once. It wrecked your brain. The strangest thing was that they didn't feel dead to her, she wasn't able to compute the information that they had been dead for centuries. Her family and the rest of those who weren't with her. 

2287.

“Michael. It is the first time I have ever found myself tempted to break my two years rule. For these years have not been easy and I have thought many times of sitting here to speak to you. That mostly was not possible due to a variety of outside circumstances. I…”

Michael felt unease again as the transmission slightly paused. Was he really that unlucky?

“Died would not be the exact term, but something akin to it. Explaining would be unnecessary, and also impossible as I ignore how much of it is still classified to your day. All I can say is I have had to find myself again, a most unfortunate turn of events. It is also of very little importance at the time being and it is not what I wish to be the focus of this message.  
As you know, Sister, you are not the only member of our family we have to avoid discussing.”

Michael’s eyes widened and she clenched her PADD as if it could something to the audio file. She had not heard or thought about him in years. It could not be...

“We had an… encounter… with Sybok.”

She could feel her jaw drop slightly, her lips parting with a breath. They only had lived together for five or six years, she could not remember for sure the time but all the rest she could. His grandeur, sparkling intelligence and wit were as vivid in her memory as his constant arguments with Sarek that always shed a dark veil over the household. She could recount Spock’s, and her own, awe at this tall, massive young man and at the way he had with words and could make the most insane sound sensible. Spock, especially, she remembered how much he looked up to him as a brother. The day he left, Spock was only twelve, and Michael could see herself and Amanda standing in the hallway, watching him running after his elder brother in front of the house, begging Sybok to bring him along. They had watched as he had departed into the darkness, never to return, leaving Spock mute for days on end afterwards. They were never an easy family. 

“I regret to inform you that he is deceased.”

Michael felt overcome by a sadness she had not felt since the beginning of these messages. It felt real now, that people she knew were dying. She wouldn’t call Sybok a brother, not exactly, but he was kind to her, he always made her feel like she was normal, loved to challenge her mind with philosophical questions and have real conversations with her even though she was three years younger, which was a lot considering Vulcan’s advanced minds. That was more than a decade ago for her, for Spock it was now… god, ages ago. But she remembered, and it was a strange kind of pain now, to think about those times she had sat on the floor listening to his endless rants, watching every inch of his face move, a thing that was so foreign in an environment where all the faces were closed and grey. She couldn’t say she loved Sybok, she couldn’t really even say she knew him that well really, but it still hurt, more than she thought it should have. 

“He believed he had found what he was looking for, but it was not the case. He gave his own life to save us. Of course, he was still as loud and delusional as you knew him to be, the years had not changed him very much on that part. Do you remember when he used to take the both of us in these long walks in the desert? Mother showed many signs of worry.”

Michael smiled. Spock was hardly the type to ever recall memories, he surely was shaken as well despite the years. She could see why he chose that particular memory. It was a peaceful one, the elder walking in front with his head high, Michael just behind with determination on her face even as a cloak hid her from the Vulcan heat and Spock scampering behind them. All silent, with nothing around them but mountains and rocks for miles. 

“I do not wish to dwell on the subject any further, Sister. I only wish to tell you that I think of you in these trying times. Live long and prosper.”

The ending was abrupt, she understood that he did not want his emotions to get the best of him at this time. As Michael went to sleep the same night, she tried to remember what Sybok’s face looked exactly like and found she couldn’t, which almost made her cry. 

DAY 8

Stress and nothing else. Again. It had struck again. So was he cursed? Couldn't he just be happy? Michael couldn't wait until the quiet evening like she did usually this time. She called Sylvia to tell her she would be late and remain in her quarters, saying she was sick so she could pass the info along, but surely her friend knew what was really going on. She took a breath, long, as if she was about to sink underwater, and clicked on the transmission.

2293.

"Michael. I am well and healthy. You had to know. I am in California. James and I acquired a property on the coast 2.3 years ago. He is well and healthy as well. We are both retired now, well, we are growing old. James often complains of back pain. That does not stop us from travelling often. Earth is a very rich and diverse planet after all. A lot of our friends from the crew have now returned to their homes as well and we have gone to visit them one after the other on different continents, which was most agreeable. I am sure you wish I had been settled in this way before, without having almost died or lost my memory so many times. It is the life I have chosen, and the life you have chosen too Sister. There is nothing that could ever make me regret my decision to serve.  
My days when we are not travelling are nice. I have time to read and meditate. I have to admit I am guilty to working a little, still, just when my input is needed on Starfleet projects. I am still retired, I simply have to admit the thought of not being a contributing member of society is not something I enjoy. Besides, I may be 63 years old but considering my blood I am only like a human of 30 years so it only makes sense for me to keep working.  
We have a garden and grow our own vegetables. The zucchinis are especially of very nice quality. At this moment, there is nothing I wish more than for you to knock on our door and share a nice dinner with us, just once. It is very illogical of me to wish such impossible things, but I do. I sincerely-  
"What are you doing?"

An unknown voice had emerged through the transmission.

"I am merely-"  
"You're recording something for her, aren't you? I knew it", the voice said, getting louder. "Hello Michael. It's Jim."

She chuckled. There was something smug about the man, even though his voice sounded old, she could hear the young man he had been. She had been warned he would probably learn of her. It was sweet, and she felt happy, though there was a distant pain in her chest, knowing she would never know Jim. She would never shake his hand and make a joke about being his big sister. Never be drunk at the end of the dinner telling him embarrassing childhood stories or showing him pictures. They would never laugh together about Spock's weird habits or turns of phrases. They would never, either, take him to some crazy stupid very human activity like bowling just to see the funny look on his face, that only them would decipher honestly. All of these ghosts floated around the words "it's Jim". It was a closed door that would never open. 

“I’d tell you a thing or two but Spock looks like he’s about to assassinate me right now. [a long silence] He’s mentally insulting me, but I love breaking rules so… farewell Michael. I would’ve loved to know you, I feel like in a way I do. The future is only good stuff I’m sure. [silence] Fine, fine, yes I’ll leave you to it.”  
“I apologize for the interruption. I do not want these recordings to cause you any type of distress. It is not my aim and will never be. I think I have described adequately our current conditions of living, enough for you to picture the peaceful state I find myself in currently. I expect the coming years to be nothing but that. If there is one dark spot, it is that Mother does not feel very well these days, she is very tired and spends most of her time in bed. I am considering a trip to Vulcan so I can be there if… I am sure she thought of you and missed you all of her life as much as I did. Live long and prosper, Michael.”

He was right, she was distressed, she sat in silence for a long moment, her eyes gazing at the wall, lost in thought. 

DAY 9

When Michael did not show up to breakfast, or lunch, she should have expected to hear the door of her quarters ringing. But she did not, she was surprised and almost jumped out of the chair where she had been working on some codes on her workstation since she had woken up in the middle of the night. Deep in concentration, barely even realizing it, she authorized the door to open, expecting the red cheeks of Sylvia to come through the door but frowned when she realized it was actually Paul. She did not repress a sigh when she turned away from her desk to cast him a knowing glance.  
“Don’t say anything. She sent you to check on me, uh? Didn’t tell you why? Said I should eat?”

A slight smile appeared on Paul’s lips, demonstrating he had expected Michael to react in this way. 

“She did, yes.” he shrugged “Uh… what are you… working on exactly?”

She sighed and put two fingers to her temple as if to ease a migraine.

“Trying to break codes.” She stepped away a little to let Stamets see what was on her screen. “You see, my brother left audio files for me but blocked them so I can only access one a day. It’s driving me mad and I need it to be over today. He’s too good for me though.”

Paul looked silently at the screens for a moment. 

“Is this one from today?” he said, pointing at one dated from 2325.  
“Yes.”  
“It’s unopened.”  
“I know. But I don’t care, I just want to get to the last one. I’m tired of it.” Anger and weariness were mixed in her tone of voice.  
“I’m sorry.”

There was a pause in which Michael turned her eyes back to the workstation, still thinking of a solution, while Paul observed her worriedly. After a moment, he took a step forward, decidedly. 

“You know what? You’re tired. Sit over there, listen to it, I’ll finish breaking this in the meantime and be your emotional support.”

She clearly was not convinced but she had slept very little and did not have the energy to tell him no. She nodded. 2325. That was almost thirty years after the last one. She felt a shiver when Stamets tapped on the file and she finally heard her brother’s voice again. 

“My dear Sister.”

Not Michael. Not his very simple Michael. Why was he that affectionate?

“Reciting all the elements of my life that have changed during the last handful of years would be a long endeavour. I now reside on Vulcan. Alone. I’m now an ambassador as was Sarek. It would be very long if I continued, but two things have not changed and I will never change: I miss you and I love James. None of you can reciprocate these statements anymore, but it does not mean they are untrue. They have never been so true. You might find what I am declaring to be very emotional and unlike me. I have not expressed such feelings to anyone in these years except now, to you. I have not wept as I held our Mother’s hand when she passed away, neither when I held James’.”

Paul’s gaze diverted for an instant from the screen to Michael, trying to read her but her back was glued to the chair, her eyes fixed on the wall, thinking deeply. He didn’t want to disturb her so kept to his screen, but frequently turned his head slightly to see how she was doing. 

“I had no reason to. It was only the natural course of things, they were in peace and I was too. It was illogical for me to feel upset, and I did not. It sometimes wish for their presence, as I wish for yours, but as an impossible prospect. I can only continue to live my own life fully and in service of the greater good, and I hope you will do the same once you will have received the last of these messages. This is all I will say as I refuse to dwell too profoundly on these events. What is important is not death but the life that preceded. Live long and prosper, Michael.”

She too did not weep. She understood what her brother meant. Most humans would have looked down upon the fact that he seemed to feel nothing recalling the death of his mother and the love of his life. Michael knew it was false. He felt, and loved them more than anything, only he knew crying at the stars was useless and in their honour, he lived with renewed curiosity. It was selfless and it was beautiful. She shut her eyes and did not say anything, feeling Stamets looking in her direction. Still not opening her eyes, she asked:

“Did you manage?”

It had only been a few minutes but who knew, maybe he was that fast. 

“Not yet. He’s very good that’s for sure, it’s very impressive code… But maybe in an hour or two. You should take a nap or something.”  
“I know what we were taught at the Vulcan Academy, I should do it honestly Paul, I’m doing okay.”

He didn’t really have to say anything, he just looked at her very doubtfully. Still feeling like she couldn’t really say no to anything he was advising her, she walked to the couch and closed her eyes. 

____________

Later in the day, Michael woke up to find she was now alone in her quarters. At her side lied a PADD, with a glowing message that said “Fixed it for you. :)”. She closed it and there were the two remaining files, waiting to be opened. She drew a breath. 2358 and 2386, that was all. It was maybe a bad idea but she immediately clicked the last one. 

2386\. 

“Michael. This will be a very short message that I am not sure I will keep in when I am done with these communications.”

His voice was way more weary than before. Old, she thought. He was an old man.

“For once, I have decided I will make an exception to my rule. Until my time comes, I will record a message for you every year. Sarek is deceased and you are the only member of our family that remains aside from myself, therefore I feel it is important. You might not bear our name or have our blood, you deserve to carry our memory, at least some pieces. There are some stories I wish to tell you, I am occupied at the moment but as soon I my duties are not such a weight I will speak to you again. Live long and prosper, Michael.”

She could not believe it. Baffled, she looked at the files frantically clicking in and out like others would magically appear, but she knew there was only two. It was not meant to be the last. This was unfair. Not having a choice anymore, she almost ran to her workstation to look up Spock’s file, a thing she had fiercely refrained to do all this time. On top of the page, in clear letters, the words “Missing” and a stardate in 2387. This time, Michael almost cried. She had expected closure, as naive as it was, she had expected nice final words, cheesy declarations, and all that jazz. Something, at least. Anything. She put her hand to her mouth and refrained a sob. She looked at the other file she had not listened to. 

2358.

“Michael.”

She knew it was the last time she would hear this. She took it in. 

“You disappeared on this day exactly a hundred years ago.”

A violent vertigo was the only thing she could feel hearing this. 

“I have continued to record these messages, as rare as they are, because they allow me for a moment to reflect on the time that passes. It is not a thing common Vulcans do, but surely you are aware that I am anything but a common Vulcan. I have hoped to be for a significant amount of time but have abandoned this prospect since. You might not have been here but you have given me the inspiration to accept this about myself. Your sacrifice, your bravery and selflessness, your intelligence, how could one be ashamed of belonging to the same species as you? I have not only been proud of belonging to your species, that I have observed and thought about at length during my time with James, but I have been proud of being your brother. A hundred years ago you gave me a piece of advice, therefore I will proceed to do the same today. You will accomplish great things, greater than you already have, and not only according to my statistical calculations. Do not let anyone dictate what you can and cannot do by pointing out the wrong choices you have made in the past, but listen to the people who surround you when you are unsure of the decision you are taking. As I am not here, you will have to find your own family to rely on. Rely on them and let go. At times, leave the stars and go on land, bathe under the ray of any sun, for a moment, sit in any sort of vegetation, and breathe. Breathe, Sister. Live long and prosper, Michael.”

There was nothing else. Michael felt a single tear fall down her cheek towards the corner of her mouth. She was smiling.


End file.
